


a heart of glass made to shatter, made to stay

by Indigoblau



Series: Songfics [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Drabble, Friendship/Love, Gen, M/M, Oikawa has a volleyball-lamp and I'm jealous, Self-Doubt, Songfic, also he has insecurities, and he has Iwa-chan, decide for yourself if they are dating, what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 15:50:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14697378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indigoblau/pseuds/Indigoblau
Summary: "Sometimes I wonder where I've been,who I am, do I fit in?Make believin' is hard alone,out here on my own."Irene Cara - Out here on my own (FAME)





	a heart of glass made to shatter, made to stay

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first songfic!!  
> (Actually the second, but the first that made it to being posted)  
> I'm deeply connected to this song ever since my singing teacher showed it to me.  
> It helped me through a lot of times and up and downs and even if it is kinda sad,  
> it's something.. like energy I get when singing it.  
> Not just because it demands full-body-work to make it ring, but because of the lyrics, too.
> 
> I didn't take the full song because I wanted a happy ending of this kind and I didn't knew how to do it with the last bit of the lyrics lol
> 
> Enjoy <3
> 
> Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4mkRwkQRoQ

-  
**Sometimes I wonder, where I've been,  
** **Who I am? Do I fit in?**  
-

"Say, Iwa-chan", Oikawa whispered into the darkness of the night, "are you happy?"  
He listened to the calm, peacefull breathing of the figure next to him. "Ne, Iwa-chan", he said again, "am I happy?"  
Again, there was only breathing and the rustle of the blanket, as Iwaizumi moved a bit in his sleep.  
Oblivious to the doubts and fears swirling around in his friends head.  
Oblivious to the desperate tone in Oikawas voice.

-  
**Make believing is hard alone,**  
**out here on my own.**  
-

Oh how much he would've needed an answer right now.  
But there was noone but him.  
Noone to hear his prayers, noone to hear his cries.  
Noone to reassure him that everything was alright.  
And just like this, the night went on.

-  
**We're always provin' who we are**  
**always reaching for that rising star,**  
**to guide me far and shine me home,**  
-

It was Volleyball where he found his answers in.  
When the ball hit dead end where he had aimed for,  
when his aching legs and arms pulled throught another jump serve, another set, another dive.  
When he felt the proud claps on his back and the gleefull shoutings of his teammates.  
When he helped them to another glorious win and one step closer to their big dream of participating in the world Championship.  
It was then when he truly felt like he had a purpose, something that proved him right.  
Something that allowed him to stay on this earth for a while longer.  
And that he was able to enjoy this together with Iwaizumi made it all the more worth while.

-  
**out here on my own.**  
-

But when the thudding of the ball and the shouthings of the players had ebbed away to a mere echo of this prove of his in his mind,  
when his legs and arms ached with an exhaustion showing that he wasn't even fit enought to withstand one simple day of hard work,  
then he suddenly didn't knew anymore.  
Then he didn't knew if it was enough.  
If he was enough.  
And another silent night, accompanied by untold stories and the faint breathing of a sleeping man, began.

-  
**And when I'm down and feelin' blue,**  
**I close my eyes so I can be with you.**  
**oh baby be strong for me,**  
**baby belong to me.**  
-

It was far after midnight when his fatigue finally was enough to knock him out,  
fists tangled into the soft fabric of Iwaizumis shirt, wet spots marking the way of his weaknes down his cheeks.  
The warmth of Iwaizumis back raditated a feeling of home, the bittersweet smell of this person he loved so much and felt so close to.  
A pain for knowing it was all an Illusion. A smile for the feeling to keep it as long as possible, even if it would disappear someday.

-  
**Help me through,**  
**help me, need you.**  
-

And as he closed his eyes, giving in to the exhaustion, he almost smiled upon feeling nothing but the steady beating of a familiar heart.

-  
**Until the morning, sun appears,**  
**making light of all my fears.**  
-

It was a rather beautiful dawn, the sun shining through leafes still heavy with the drops of rain from the night before. It looked promising and as Oikawa stepped out of the house and into the warm light of the morning, he felt like he actually could do this.  
Going to school, writing those papers and Volleyball.  
It was like the morning light had illuminated a corner of this cave called his mind and had made him see that those shadows he had been fearing all this time were just mere everyday objects.  
That this big, dark spot blinding his inner eye was nothing more than a Volleyball he had forgot to put away yesterday.  
It was like the sun was fueling a will in him to go and make the best out of his days.  
And while he walked along the streets towards school a little, honest smile crept upon his face.  
Sometimes, life was managable.

-  
**I'll dry the tears I've never shown,**  
**out here on my own**  
-

The great feeling lasted until Volleyball practice at the end of the day.  
Having missed a whole three jump serves had destroyed the little happy bubble he had been immersed in throughout the day and it was awful.  
It felt like all those bad thoughts and reality had been kept silence by the happiness in his heart, and now they came crashing down at him all at the same time.  
How the teacher had lectured him for his sloppy handwriting, how he had forgot to go grocery shopping the other day and his mother had been mad at him,  
how he had missed so many serves at practice today and at least four sets had went the wrong way.  
And nothing he could think of could brush away the heavy feeling of being inferior to everyone out there, of being not enough.  
When he finally left the lockers it had already began to turn dark outside.  
Streaks of long-dries tears burned into Oikawas cheeks, for noone to see but for him to feel more than anything else.

-  
**But when I'm down and feeling blue,**  
**I close my eyes so I can be with you**  
**Oh baby be strong for me,**  
**baby belong to me**  
**help me through,**  
**help me need you.**  
-

As Oikawa reached his house it was dark and abandoned.  
For a second or two he tried to figure out why until he remembered that his parents were away to visit his grandma and Iwaizumi had to dog-sit the little furball of his aunt so he had to stay at her home.  
With a deep sigh Oikawa opened the door and for a moment he stood in the entrance, eyes falling upon silent, dark furnitures. On better days it may could've been peaceful, inviting to cuddle up on the sofa with blankets and pillows to watch whatever-show he had in mind.  
But today it was cold and unwelcoming.  
Like a haunted house which hadn't been used in years. Only that there weren't any robot-ghost or light-effects to scare him, but thoughts and memories in his own head catalysed by the shadows dancing on the walls.  
As fast as possible without bumping into every piece in the living room, Oikawa strode for the stairs up to his room.  
He didn''t bother turning on the lights.  
It would be okay once he reached his room. It had to.  
But it wasn't.  
As he reached the familiar door to his personal cave he felt like crying again.  
All that waited for him behind this piece of wood was an empty room without anything to cling to but his own pathetic attempts to cheer himself up.  
Like the stupid volleyball-lamp he had purchased a few months ago, or the plushies littered around the room, the pink blanket with the stars on it that was soft and warm.  
All those fucking things he had bought, telling himself over and over again that they could cure his loneliness and his inferiority.  
But as he went into the room his eyes fell upon something he didn't knew had been there.  
A sweater, folded sloppy and looking worn in olive-green. Between the folded parts and wrinkles Oikawa could make out the silhouette of a big brown animal being portraied on the sweater.  
On top of it laid a note.  
He went to his bed and sat down next to the unexpected thing and read the words written in this neat and clean handwriting he over and over could not believe belonged to his gorilla-armed friend.  
"I left you this so you won't feel lonely without me. Please don't call every five seconds. I like you anyway but you don't have to confirm it. Ice your knee and don't skip dinner or I'll force you to eat twice as much tomorrow"  
It was signed with a big I. H. and a doodle of something that might was something like a Volleyball. Or an oddly patternd easter-egg. Oikawa wasn't so sure.  
But it didn't matter.  
A fond smile had found its way to his face and he laughed a bit at how formal his stupid other half had written.  
Still laughing a bit, Oikawa took the sweater and buried his nose in it. It smelled like Iwaizumi and this instantly calmed him down.  
He closed his eyes and imagined being here with the other teen, broad shoulders ready to support whatever doubt he had to cry out, calm voice and steady heartbeat here to remind him that not everything in the world had left him.  
And despite being exhausted from crying and hating himself so much, Oikawa went to bed with a smile.

Tomorrow would come.  
Maybe it wouldn't be fun, maybe it wouldn't be something to look forward to,  
but that was okay since he knew that he wasn't alone.


End file.
